Bus Driving - Laughs and Barfs

Catching a bus can be a barrel of fun if you have an infinite sense of humor.

"Driver, do you stop at the railway station?"
"No Madam. A train does that. This is a bus. It stops at bus stops."

Bleary eyed, first thing in the morning, with nothing more than a shaky idea which number bus goes where or stops at which bus stops, or even what the fares are, let alone any knowledge of timetables, you pluck up your courage and tackle the task, praying for a miraculous absence of breakdowns and traffic jams. That's not the passengers. That's the driver!

According to passengers, no bus driver can ever say good-bye to their father. They were all born out of wedlock. According to other motorists, even that was to a bitch.

It's not all the driver's fault. Let's consider that most necessary and frequently truant behavior, hailing the bus.

There are many people who will only ever hail a driver with insults as the bus flies past them without stopping. Bus drivers are best recruited from the ranks of experienced auctioneers. Drawing on years of practice, those individuals might recognise from 200 meters away a slight raising of the eyebrows or a subtle rubbing of the chin indicating that the virtual statue standing somewhere near a bus stop actually wants the bus to stop for them. Some aspiring passengers are so inanimate you would think that a hearse would be a more appropriate mode of transport for them.

They look far more animated in the rear-view mirror.

Then, there is the opposite extreme. Arms flailing wildly, he or she runs onto the road in front of the bus in what is easily mistaken for a suicide attempt. The horrified driver brakes sharply, hoping neither to spill his existing passengers onto the floor, nor to run over the frantic mendicant. He stops alongside them and opens the door. The kind, wonderful, considerate angel just stands there and looks up at him for a moment, stares at him blankly, then peers back along the road for the next bus. Nothing resembling an apology is forthcoming. "Sorry, wrong bus" would be far too much trouble.

The driver heaves a sigh. On with the job.

"Hey buddy! Does this bus go along the South West Highway?"
"Of course it does, sir. The big, luminous yellow sign on the front saying "North Eastern Interchange" is only to let you know which direction its bum will be pointing in at the time!"

"Driver, does this bus go to Brighton?"
"It certainly does, Madam, but not when it's on this particular route. It will probably go there sometime next week."

"Driver, do you go to town?"
"Only at people who annoy me, Madam."

"Driver, if I ring the bell are you able to let off along here?"
"Madam, with bowels like mine, I can let off anywhere, anytime. Forget the bell, just pull my finger."

Here is an unquestionable fact. Whenever anyone befouls the atmosphere on a bus with intestinal gas, everyone looks accusingly at the driver.

"Hey, Driver, did you win your license in a raffle?"
"Certainly not, Sir! My ticket didn't win so I just scribbled Drivers License on it and I use that instead."

"Driver, the last bus along here didn't come!"
"Really? How can it have been the last bus along here if it didn't come?"

"Driver, this service is a load of garbage! I've been waiting here for two hours!"
The refuse truck operator looks curiously at the squinting, elderly lady standing next to a wheelie-bin nearby a bus stop and wonders how she could possibly read the time on her watch.

"Hey driver? Isn't this bus supposed to be an express?"
"It definitely is, and you can rest assured that I'm driving express between stops."

"Driver, why have we stopped?" "Overheating, Madam" "How long will it take to cool down?" "Roughly one cigarette."

"Hey, pig-head! This time would you mind waiting until I sit down if you're going to tear off like you usually do."
"I think you're lying."
"I am not!"
"You soon will be if you call me 'pig-head' again."

"Driver, do you go to the swimming centre?"
"I would, but I live on the other side of town."

"Driver, I've got no money. Can I get a free ride today?"
"You can have a free ride every day."
"Yeah? How?"
"You can take over my job. I'm quitting."

Gareth Eastwood is the owner of http://www.mindesque.com where he showcases articles he has written under several names. He is an enthusiastic Rock 'n' Roll Dancer and teacher in Adelaide, South Australia. His dance website is http://www.rocknrolldance.com

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